


Waking up the ghost

by Icarus_fallen



Category: The Blacklist
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-26
Updated: 2015-04-07
Packaged: 2018-03-19 17:22:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3617997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Icarus_fallen/pseuds/Icarus_fallen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A drunk exhausted Red seeks out Lizze for comfort.  When she wakes in the morning she finds evidence of their shared past, and demands answers.  Spoilers for any episodes up to date in the US.  Own nothing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is actually thanks to Eaglechica19 (and the song within who actually prompted the storyline) who asked for a scene in which Liz is present for one of Red's nightmares. Chapter 2 will give you that. 
> 
> The song is by 10 Years (band) off of their album Feeding the Wolves.

_No one knows the secrets that I keep_  
_No one knows what’s in my head_  
_Can’t control the otherside of me_  
_I have lost my grip_  
_Breaking the pulse of a steady beat_  
_Pleading for sanity_  
_The voices calling out my name_  
_Now I am afraid_  
_That I am waking up the ghost_  
_I’m digging up the memories_  
_That were dead me_  
_Now now I’m getting close  
_ _Closer to the enemy that’s inside of me_

_-10 Years_

**\-------------------**

            Sleep had been illusive the night before and the morning hours came way too soon for her liking.  Each time she had tried to close her eyes, all she could see was him kneeling with a gun to his head, ready to die.  It had been that way for a week now, and she no longer knew if he actually said her name, or she her memory added it the scene played over and over like a broken strip of film. However, tonight after multiple stressful days, and very little sleep over the past couple of weeks she found bliss finally in a dreamless sleep. 

             However, her bliss was interrupted suddenly by the sound of someone else in the room.  Before she had her eyes open she had her gun in her hand aimed in the direction the noise had come from. Sitting up in her bed she was ready to fight whoever broke into her hotel room.  Her finger was on the trigger when she saw him in the light that came through the window from the streetlight. 

            “What the hell are you doing Red?” She snapped more because of the adrenaline that was still coursing through her veins. 

            “Watching you sleep.”  Was his answer not moving from the chair.  His hat sat on the dresser next to him.  He looked at ease, even after having a gun pointed at him for the second time in less than 48 hours.  “Could you lower your gun, we don’t want an accident.  Would be a bit difficult to explain to Cooper how I was shot in your hotel room.”

            Liz lowered her gun she noticed something was off in Red’s voice, but was not quite sure what, “Why are you watching me sleep?”

            “I once spent a month in China with a Japanese family.”  Red began to speak in his usual boisterous voice, but something was off maybe the cadence. 

            Liz sighed another story from him that would result in a half answer, but she was intrigued by the anomaly she noticed in his speech.

            Despite Liz’s passive aggressive protest Red continued with the story, “The little boy would tell me of Japanese folklores to practice his English. He told me one of the most fascinating tales about a creature named Nue.  Nue had the paws of a tiger, but the face of a monkey, a long venomous tail, and the body of a tanuki, which is like a raccoon.  Hideous looking thing. But the way the creature looked was not what made it truly frightening.  Nue took on the form of a block cloud and infected a Japanese Emperor so that each time he closed his eyes he would have the most horrible nightmares. The poor Emperor could not sleep and became ill.  It was not until a Samurai shot the black cloud and killed the Nue that the Emperor started to get better.   Fascinating how every culture seems to have some mythical creature that brings about nightmares. For the Germans it was Mara, who often took the form of a beautiful woman who would constrict the air supply of men and turn their dreams into nightmares.  The Greeks wrote about Phobetor who was a wing demon who was also shape shifter and a son of Darkness.  His children where the creatures of nightmares.  We have developed the boogey man who hides under beds and inside closets. My own daughter had been terrified of the boogey man for many years, so much I spent many of nights sitting up in her room to keep the boogey man away.  Much like my daughter, he was terrified of the Nue.  I spent many nights watching out for the Nue so the little boy would rest.”

            “Interesting lesson on the different mythical archetypes that bring about nightmares.” Liz stated annoyed at Red, “But that still does not explain why you are here.”

             “You looked exhausted today Lizzie.”  Red said, “I wanted to make sure you were able to rest tonight undisturbed. We have a big day tomorrow.”

            “So you disturbed me to make sure I was resting?”  Liz said trying to point out the absurdity in Red’s statements.

            “I had no intention of waking you.” 

            “Red why are you really here?”  Liz asked now sitting on the edge of her bed.  “I know it is not to make sure the Nue or the Boogey man or whoever does not bring me nightmares.  I have a gun I’ll shoot them like I almost shot you.”

            “I see that you do not need me to keep the Nue away.  I will take my leave.” Red stood up, saying on his feet. He had to use the dresser to stabilize himself.

            “Are you drunk?”  Liz asked noticing how unsteady Red was on his feet.  She could not think of a single time she had seen Red drunk.  However, the unusual cadence in his speech, and the general weirdness of the night could easily be explained by him being drunk.

            “I may have had a few drinks earlier.”  Red said walking towards the door to take his leave.  His hope of finding comfort ruined with Liz’s having kicked him out.  He had not meant to drink as much he had earlier, it just sort of happened.  Rare, yes, but with Dembe away there was no one to talk to. No one to keep him awake and entertained.  So he drank, and drank another, until he found himself getting tired, and than he knew he had to leave the safety of the house he was staying in and seek out comfort from someone else. 

           Liz moved quickly stopping him from walking out the door by getting in his way. She flipped the light switch behind her so they were no longer standing in the dark room.  It was in the light that she saw how exhausted Red looked.  His eyes were bloodshot, and his clothes were wrinkled, and all together he looked like a disheveled mess.  He had looked better after almost being blown to pieces at the factory. He smelt like a brewery, she thought she had smelt alcohol on him earlier that day when he was at the post office, but said nothing about it to him.           

     “When was the last time you slept?”  Liz asked him putting hands on his shoulders to steady him because he was swaying on his feet without using the wall to support him.

             Red started to try to avoid the question by asking Lizze “When was the last time…”

            But she stopped him but saying, “Red, you look like hell. Where is Dembe?” Liz knew she would need help to get Red home tonight.  Maybe she could convince Dembe to slip Red a sleeping pill or something, anything to knock the man out who looked like death warmed over. 

            “Away on business.”  Red said not quite making eye contact with Liz. 

            “Than how did you get here?”  Liz asked her hand moving down his arm in a comforting manner.

            “I walked.”  He laughed because it was more of a stumble, a taxi, which he vomited in, and was kicked out of, and than he stumbled the rest of the way.  It amazed him he was able to break into Lizzes hotel room and not wake her.

            Liz sighed, he was in no condition to walk home and she was not going to kick him out tonight without knowing someone else would be with him. Something was just off, he was not the usual Red.  “Is there anyone else I can call?”

            “No. I’m fine.”  Red said almost toppling over as he felt like the entire room was spinning around him.  It was the combination of one too many scotches and multiple sleepless nights.

             It was Red’s exhausted voice and desperate look in his eyes that caused Liz to have a epiphany, “You didn’t come here to protect me from the Nue or the Boogey Man.”  Liz said realizing Red avoiding making eye contact with her now.  “You came her so I would protect you from them.” 

            Red said nothing, but she had been right.  He needed comfort tonight, to keep the demons at bay that would haunt his dreams.  The same demons that kept him up each night.  He had not known why this near death experience had bothered him so much.  In his line of work, the life he lived, it was expected that he would one day die a violent death.  Men like him do not die of old age, they die a violent painful lonely death. It was the death that men like him deserved too.  He had no reservations about the creature he had become, more frightening that the Nue or the Boogey man.

            However his near death experience was different this time because of her. After his family he had little left he cared about and therefore the thin barrier between life and death did not matter.  However, he had found a purpose in making sure she was taken care of, ensuring that she got what she wanted and than some, and the entire mission of redemption. She truly was his second chance to make things right.  Than there was just her.  Sometimes he was not sure which mattered more her or the mission for redemption. 

            His connection with her had started out simple enough, finding her a safe place, since he had failed her father.  Than it turned into ensuring that she got what she wanted, her education, her career, and eventually her job at the FBI.  He watched from a safe distance, like a twisted guardian angle. The problem was that despite the distance he found himself caring for her, more and more as time continued on. When he finally made contact he had realized that the woman he had heard about was much more than he expected. It was a pleasant surprise because she was so much better than he had been lead to believe.

            The pen she had jammed into his artery should have been all the warning he needed, at the danger she presented to him.  Instead, it intrigued him more, as this was something entirely unexpected. He had been honestly surprised when the pen entered his neck, and she threaten to let him die. It was the furthest thing from his mind, thinking her completely incapable of it.  Now he knew better.  It was that moment, though, that started him on a path he found himself on now. It was in that moment and each moment after that she stopped simply being his penance and something much more, she became his reason to wake up in the morning and his reason to be something more. He felt a calm overtake him around her, the same calm he had felt as a child.  He carved that peaceful feeling.

            Though when she had finally realized how damage he was, he was afraid of losing her because she finally saw a bit of the real him.  She saw that he was not invincible and that he was very much human. Anyone could see that he was not a good man, that he had some issues, but few would know the depth of his damage. The suits, the happy go lucky façade, and the stories were all his armor that he employed as misdirection. He was a master of his own design, and most people only saw what he wanted them to see.  Lizze had managed to see past, the only other people who had been able to see through were Dembe and Mister Kaplan.

            It was the idea that despite being damage, she still seemed to care about him, and the peaceful feeling he got around her that made him seek her out tonight. He wanted to sleep, but he knew the demons would come, and there were no samuri’s to slay the Nue tonight for him. What form the Nue would take, his father, the many people he killed, his own death, or worse of all someone killing or torturing her it would not matter.  It would come and torment him.

            Liz was not sure what to do with the man before her. Part of her wanted to send him away, but she meant it when she said she cared.  That part of her could never send him away. She saw the vulnerability in him tonight and it was that vulnerability would not allow her to just toss him to the curb. 

            “Red you need to sleep.”  She said gently grabbing his arm. 

            It surprised them both when he stated like a petulant child, “I’m not tired.” Though they both knew it was a lie, he was dead on his feet. 

            “Come on.”  She said leading him towards the bed, “It’s fine I’ll protect you from the Mara.”

            “How do you know you are not the Mara?”  Red asked trying to cover his vulnerability quickly, but they both knew what he was doing and it did not work.

            “Than I promise not to suck your breath away.”  She said.   

            She got him to the bed and had him sit down.  Kneeling down in front of him she started to untie his shoes.

            Red thought about making a crude statement about her current position and what she could do, but he knew it would earn him nothing.  It was too late, in his drunken exhausted stupor she saw through his defense mechanisms.  The comment would only serve as a further revelation or more questions he would answer because he was too exhausted to mount a proper defense against her beautiful quizzical eyes tonight. 

            Once she got his shoes off, she said, “Come on take the vest and shirt off. So you can at least be comfortable.”   She did what she could to help him when he struggled to pull his top shirt off, his undershirt covered the important bits.  Once he was down to his trousers, socks, and under shirt she  pulled his feet up to the bed.  Pulling the covers over him, she said, “Get some rest.”

            “What about you Lizze.”  Red said starting to sit up, but Liz pushed his chest so he was pushed back down to the bed.

            “The bed is big enough for both of us.”  She said eyeing the King size bed, she hoped it was big enough for both of them. It was concerning to have Red in her bed, but there was nothing else she could do.  She very well could not kick him out, and she was too tired herself to try to sleep on the chair, and the floor was disgusting.  Before she got back into bed she flipped the light off. Grabbing an extra pillow from the floor, she put it between them to make her feel like there was a barrier between them. 

            She watched Red in the illumination from the street lamp outside. He reminder her of when she was younger. When Sam would tell her it was time to sleep, she would fight her sleep.  She watched him for what seemed like a long time, as he would slowly drift off to sleep, and than jerk himself awake when he realized he had fallen asleep. It was sometime later that he lost that battle.

            It was in the illumination of the street lamp that she realized that she cared deeply for the Concierge of Crime.  Not sure if she loved him like she thought she loved Tom, or if she loved him like she had loved Sam.  Either way, she watched him as he softly snored, his chest rising and falling, his face relaxed at the moment.  It was weird to not see him moving, she had seen him sit still, but this was different. Unlike some people, she realized, he did not look completely peaceful in his sleep.  He somehow looked older, worn, as he slept.  

            While she watched him she started to realize how much she mattered to him. He allowed  himself to be vulnerable around her.  Maybe he was not of his full capacity tonight because he was drunk, but he still sought her out in his less than stable state. She found the new vulnerable version of him unnerving.  She was rubbing her scar absentmindedly.  The questions about him, and why he suddenly decided to seek her out and let her seem him like this swirled around her head until she finally lost her own battle with consciousness. 


	2. Chapter 2

_Under the skin the soul of the guilty_  
_Under the surface lonely lies_  
_Under the weight the sin is eating me alive_  
_No mercy no forgiveness_  
_Content to my own head_  
_The voice is calling out my name_  
_Now I am afraid_  
_That I am waking up the ghost_  
_I’m digging up the memories_  
_That were dead me_  
_Now now I’m getting close_  
_Closer to the enemy that’s inside of me  
_ _-10 Years_

* * *

             Who was screaming? Liz’s sleep muddled brain could not understand who was screaming.  Finally, she realized it was not just in her sleep, she startled awake grabbing her gun off the nightstand for the second time that night. Realizing, only after she turned that Red was in her bed, and he was the one screaming.

            Setting the gun down, she flipped on the light and saw Red asleep his face scrunched in pain. Whatever terror was haunting his dream, was causing him an enormous amount of emotional pain, all of which showed on his sleeping face. Reaching over she realized his skin was on fire, she called to him, “Red wake up you are having a nightmare.”

            Her voice did not seem to draw him out of the dream.  Using a more forceful approach she used her hand already on his arm and tried to shake him awake, “Come on Red wake up.”

            “No please don’t…”  Red called out thrashing out of the bed away from whatever was tormenting him in he sleep. Once he hit the floor with a thud, he finally woke up.  Groaning in pain, he lay on the floor his chest heaving as he tried to catch his breath.   
            “Red, are you ok?” Liz asked moving across the bed to lean over and look at the man laying on her floor on his back. He was hyperventilating, somewhere between the demons that haunted his dreams and waking up in unfamiliar surroundings.

            Closing his eyes, Red tried to hide the deep embarrassment he felt. He forced himself to calm his breathing by counting to himself in his head.  Only one other person had ever seen him in this state, and he knew Dembe would never tell a soul. 

            “I’m fine.”  He finally said wanting to crawl under the bed and hide. 

            Liz got off the bed and grabbed two bottles of water out of the fridge. When she returned to Red he was now sitting on the floor, his back to the bed.  He had drawn his knees up and was resting his head on them.

            “You want to talk about it?”  Liz said pushing the bottle against Red’s hands.

            Red’s head lifted, but he did not answer her question, only took the bottle of water, “Thank you.”

            Liz sat silently and watched Red as he calmed himself, taking small sips from the water bottle.  “If you are getting back in my bed you need to shower.”  She said noticing how he was covered in sweat.  She cursed herself for not having woken up sooner. Clearly he had been in distress much longer than a few minutes.

            “Lizze are you trying to get me naked?”  He asked his voice not holding the same taunting tone it usually did when he teased her, but he was doing his best to restore the balance in their relationship to hide the vulnerability he displayed.   

            When she did not answer he said, “I should probably just go…” Red said not moving from his spot on the floor.  Not because he did not want to leave.  Honestly, he did not have the energy to drag his body off the floor.

            “It’s late.  Just go shower real quick. I might even have a t-shirt around here somewhere.”  She said getting off the bed and going to her dresser.  She found one of Tom’s old shirts and threw it to Red.  “That plus your boxers should be fine.”

            “Lizze. I should just go.” Red stated trying to cull what energy he had to drag himself off the ground and walk back to his safe house.

            “Red just shut up and go shower.  We can talk in the morning.  I’m too tired and I just want to sleep.”

            “All the more reason I should leave.  Once you see me in my boxers you won’t be able to contain yourself.” Again the innuendo did not quite come out right.   

            “I think I can contain myself.”  Liz responded seeing that the best thing she could do to resolved this was to play into his attempt to recover, “Anyways, I won’t sleep if you aren’t here.” Liz said, she almost followed up with she would be to worried about him, but instead decided to use Red’s need to protect her in her favor, “You are not the only one who has nightmares. I miss having someone to wake me up from them.”  She paused for a second seeing that he was skeptical of her motives, “I have not slept as soundly as I just was in a long time.  Since I first married Tom probably.”

            Red did not fully believe her, but he would not abandoned her. “I can sleep in the chair.” He said trying to push himself off the floor. 

            Liz held her hand out to help him up, and she was surprised when he took it and let her help him to his feet.  “The chair is uncomfortable, and you are already dead on your feet Red. “ She said softly her hand still in his sweaty grasp, “You are no use to the task force when you are this far gone.”

            Red frown deepened, “You are just doing your duty, making sure your asset is ready for work tomorrow.” 

            Liz knew she had hurt him with her statement, he was trying to hide it, but his face twitched and he pulled his hand away from her with more force than was necessary.  “If that is what will get you to go take a quick shower and go back to sleep then yes. But you should know better.” Liz said wanting to smack him, “I told you I care about you, and I meant it Red.” 

            Red shook his head and walked off towards the bathroom.  He closed the door and leaned against it. He was slipping, that woman, his Lizze, was breaking through the wall he had carefully crafted to keep people out. What were her words, the first time she profiled him, he had friends, but none that knew him. That he saw close connections as making him vulnerable.  That he hated himself because he needed her, and that made him vulnerable.  Well all of that time of needing her, of letting her get too close, to just having that human contact that even he craved, had finally caught up to him.  She had him, and she did not even know how bad she had him. 

            Turning the shower on, he quickly undressed and climbed in letting cold water and let it rush over his body.  Tomorrow, he would pull away from her, for her own safety, but more for his. Because Raymond Reddington was a coward when it came to the type of pain she could inflict.  He could take torture, gunshots wounds, near death, but to see her in pain or the type of pain she could easily inflict just by telling him to leave her life was too much for him.  She was his last connection to his humanity, or what humanity he once had, and he could not lose that because of his weakness.  Despite his decision to leave tomorrow, to push her away, he knew it would never work.  Partly because she would not let it work, but mostly because he could not put his all into pushing her away.  He could not hurt her like that and he was a weak selfish man after all.  He needed her more than he was willing to admit. More than just a second chance, she was his last chance to be human again.

            When he returned to the bedroom, Liz was sitting on the bed watching a news channel.  He ignored it, feeling awkward standing in front of her in just his boxers and a borrowed t-shirt.

            “How you feeling?”  Liz asked hoping she was not pushing him too far. S he could see that he was ready to run out of the room.  It was a little unnerving how open he was tonight.

            Red mustered up the energy to use the carefully constructed personal, he plastered a smile that looked authentic, “Much better.  If I had known you wanted to see me in my boxers, I’d have done this sooner.”   He arched his eyebrow at her noting the brief look of disdain across her face. Any vulnerability he might have had was quickly hidden away with his facilities returning to him after a cold shower he felt more sober, and the nightmare was passing into the background of his thoughts. 

“In your dreams Red.” Liz chose to joke back because she was not sure how to deal with Red’s mood swings. 

            “A gentlemen does not share those types of dreams.” Reds eyes twinkled, “I spent a marvelous week in the Ukraine with a woman named Polina.”  He paused for effect, “She performed better than any man could possible dream.  She had this little trick…”

            “Oh My God Red, stop now.”  Liz said afraid of what he was going to say and she quite frankly did not want to picture him with anyone, except maybe her.  But even that felt so wrong.  “Now if you don’t mind I’d like to get some more sleep.”

            “Don’t let me keep you up.” Red chuckled at her reaction.

            Liz flipped the light out once Red was in bed, and they both lay quietly in their own thoughts. This time it was Red who waited until Liz had fallen asleep to study her.  In her sleep, her leg shifted towards his warmth, as if she was seeking out some point of contact to ensure he was there next to her.  

            His sobering mind knew this was a line they had crossed, but tonight he did not care.  Exhaustion overtook him, and he needed to know that there was someone else out there. He chuckled softly, entertained by his own thoughts that seemed to bring up a random Pink Floyd song he had only truly understood sitting in a small hut in the middle of the Australian Outback with some survivalist that also happen to build bombs. The two of them sat in the hut for hours smoking marijuana and listening to Pink Floyd albums. It was in the drug haze of calmness that the lyrics of the album The Wall jumped out to Red and the entire musical opera made sense finally.  Sometimes he missed sitting in that hut.  The high from marijuana often dulled any worries that existed outside of that moment.   

            It was in the midst of the memory that he lost his battle to sleep. A deep sleep overtook him minutes later, his body attempting to correct for the lack of REM sleep over the past weeks. He was now what was known as rebound REM, where the body quickly shifts from a light sleep to REM or a very deep sleep that paralyzes the body except for the eyes. Hence the name Rapid Eye Movement or REM. 

            Both occupants of the bed slept the rest of the night through. It was not until Liz’s cell phone alarm went off that she awoke again.  She quickly reached over and turned the alarm off so she would not awake the man sleeping next to her in the bed.  Her leg was stretched over him, but that was all the contact their bodies seem to have made in the night. 

            She glanced over at him, pulling her leg back to her side.  Red was asleep on his stomach, his face towards Liz’s. He finally looked peaceful, she thought noticing his deep breathing.  She pulled the covers down gently, as to not disturb him.  Once she moved her covers enough, she climbed out of bed and went to pull them back over Red, when she noticed the horrendous scar on his back. Unable to stop herself, her hand shot out to the nasty scar, and she felt the rough bubbled skin under her fingers.  Lifting his shirt, she saw that it covered most of her back.

            Luckily shock had overtaken her, and when she opened her mouth to cry out nothing came out.  Raymond Reddington’s back was covered in what appeared to be scars that appeared to be from severe burns.  She pulled her had back and moved away quickly, her body finally falling into the chair when she felt it touch the back of her leg. 

            The recovered memory came rushing back.  There had been a man on the floor with pieces of the burning house on him.  Was it Red? Was that how she and Raymond Reddington were connected?  She felt the tears rushing down her face, not sure why she was crying. Shock, anger, sadness, everything washed over her. 

            His words, after he found out she had sold her apartment.  She thought he was speaking about her, she knew it actually. Had he killed her father? If he did, why did he save her from the fire?  Why not just let her die? Why was he really in her life? He cared, she knew that, had known it for awhile, but just recently completely understood how much he had cared. Yes he may be there partly for the fulcrum, but that was not his only reason for being in her life.

 


	3. Chapter 3

* * *

_Recall the deeds_  
_As if they’re all someone else’s atrocious stories_  
_Now you stand reborn before us all_  
_So glad to see you well_  
_Not to pull your halo down_  
_Around your neck and tug you too the ground_  
_But I’m more than just a little curious_  
_How you are planning to going about make your amends_  
_Too the dead_  
_You’re halo slipping down… to choke you now.  
_ _\-- A Perfect Circle (The Noose)_

* * *

            Red had felt her hands on his back, despite his slumber, he knew she had found out.  The coward in him faked sleep a bit longer.  However, the lack of noise coming from Lizze concerned him.  The coward in him was always overrun by his concern for her. Opening his eyes, he turned over onto his back and sat up in the bed.

            “Lizze.” Red said turning towards her.

            “How did you…were you…I know you were there…but…”  She could not work the words out.

            “You know I was there already.”  Red spoke softly while he got up and keeled in front of her.  This was the time to come clean, it could mean the end of everything.   It seemed like every time he finally got her to trust him, he had to tell her something that would break that trust.

            “What did you take away from me?  Was it my father.”

            “Yes.” Red knew she was referencing their conversation from just after he had helped keep her out of prison for Tom Keen.  He was not afraid of that being the reason she’d finally tell him to leave and mean it.

            “Why?”

            “Lizze.” He pleaded with her because the truth was still dangerous.  “If I tell you, you will be in danger.”

            “You always say that.”  Liz snapped pulling away from him the best she could.  “How do I know you aren’t lying?”

            “I never lie to you Lizze.” 

            “Don’t call me that.”  She snapped anger seemed to be the emotion that was winning.

            “Liz.” Red said calmly deciding to take Dembe’s advice and tell her the entire truth, but he also knew that if he did not right now, she would turn him away.  The idea of never talking to her again, never being near her, never making her happy sadden him.  He was weak when it came to her, she was his Achilles heel.  After years of hardening himself, making himself safe behind impenetrable walls, all it took was her light to shine over the wall to weaken them. She found all of the soft spots without trying.  Now he knew if she told him to leave, he would not be able to go on.  He would leave, but his life would be worthless.  In hopes of avoiding it, he knew he had to tell her everything. “I was sent to take care of your father.” 

            “Take care of him how?”

            “Your father and mother both worked with the cabal.  He was a great thief, and they used that to their advantage. The problem was he decided to bite the hand that fed him, and he took too large of a bite.  He had stolen the fulcrum.  At first he did not know what he had.  Your mother found out what he had done, and she tried to make him give it back. Say he did not know what it was nor had he knowledge of what the contents were.”   Red stopped to make sure Liz was listening to him, “I did not know I was working for the cabal.  Honestly, I was working naval intelligence, and I got assigned to work with Finch, who was already an important senator on all the right committees. He recruited me because of certain traits I have.”

            “You’re a sociopath.”

            “Partly yes”, Red did not disagree many sociopaths lived normal lives. Studies had shown that some of the most successful people in the world were sociopaths.  CEO’s, Presidents, actors, judges, law enforcement agents, and many other people who were not coldblooded killers were sociopaths. Sociopath does not mean killer.

            “So you were working with the Senator.”

            “Yes. I thought it was part of my grooming to become an admiral.  Everyone knew I was on the fast track.  I was young, a great naval officer, and even better at the intelligence game because of my ability to remember details about people and make those human connections.” Red said, “I was told to go get your father.  I was ordered to do whatever necessary to bring him back to a man who I was told was a NSA agent.”

            “Who was it?”

            Red ignored the question, “Your mother was actually Russian.” Red said, “It was believed she defected to the US because she was pregnant with you.  The Soviet Union would frown on her having a child with your father. They had to know who he was, and that he was likely working with the cabal.” 

            Red said, “By time I got there, your mother and father were fighting.”

            “I remember that.”  Liz said not sure who’s voice she heard, but she felt like it was her fathers, “He hid me in a closet told me to stay there and be quiet no matter what.”

            “He had to know his time was numbered.  Your mother was pushing him to give back the fulcrum, and he was not a stupid man. If they knew he took it, they would kill him because of the information he had, whether or not he knew what was on it. It was too much of a risk. He knew when all said and done, your mother would give him up in a heartbeat.  She’d done it before to save her own ass.  I did not make it in time.”  Red said, “She was trying to find you because she knew your father had given you the fulcrum.  He did it to keep her from getting the fulcrum.  He knew if she got it she would either turn it over to the cabal or more likely take it back to Russia.  Either way he was dead as soon as she found it.” 

            Red continued, “She shot him.  I was at the top of the stairs when I heard the gun go off.  I rushed into the room, and I saw him bleeding out. There was nothing I could do.  She told me we had to hide the evidence, to burn the house down.”

            “So you set fire to the house?”

            “With her help yes.”

            “Was my father still alive?”

            “I do not know.”  Red stated honestly, “We were outside when I heard your screams.  I rushed inside without thinking, I could not find you at first. I went back to the bedroom where your father had been lying, thinking if he was still alive could tell me where you were and I could get you both out.  I checked and he was already dead.  I grabbed the gun your mother used to shoot your father, I do not know why. I heard you scream again, and I rushed into the room across the hallway and found you.”

            Liz was listening, tears streaming down her face, not sure what she felt at the moment.

            “I carried you downstairs, and we were almost out when a piece of the ceiling fell in.  I tried to avoid it, dropping you as I tried to get us away from it.  It fell on me.”  Red said, “I did not feel the pain at first, did not know I was on fire.  All I knew was I had to get you out of the house before it fell in around us.  I think that is how you got injured, your hand.  Your mom and two others came in through the door when they heard you screaming and crying.” Red said his voice cracking when he spoke again, “You wouldn’t leave me.  You were pulling on my arm trying to make me move. I think it was when I smelt my own flesh burning that I finally felt the pain.  It was overwhelming and I was so close to blacking out. They tried to take you, but you refused to let go of my hand.  You bit one of them.  It was that that caused your mom to order one of the men to drag me out. That they could kill me once we were outside.” 

            Liz thought Red was finished with the story because he was silent for a few minutes, she tried to catch his eye, but he was far away in the memory. It was minutes later that he spoke again, “They used coats to put out the fire that was burning me, and dragged me outside.  I was in shock, and despite the pain, I knew that they would take you and you would disappear if I did not stop them.  I don’t know why at the time I knew you could not leave with those people.  I still had the gun, I had put it in the front of my pants, stupid at the time, but I needed both hands to carry you securely. As they started to take you away, I pulled the gun and fired.  I killed the man carrying you, and you ran away.  Your mother took off after you, and the second man rushed me. I could not react in time, and he kicked me in the head and than stomped on my back.  I passed out from the pain.  I do not know what happened from there.  I was unconscious.  When I awoke, must have been a short time later, you were next to me and your mother and her friend were gone.”

            “Why would my mother try to kill you if she worked with the cabal too?”

            “I later learned she played them. She had not defected, she was still working for the Soviet Union.  She had been tasked with infiltrating the cabal to get at information.  If she got the fulcrum she could go back a hero, that information would have ended the Cold War and the Soviet Union would have come out the winner.” 

            “Why did they leave me?”

            “I think they feared the police and fire department showing up. The house exploded, it was in a rural area and ran on natural gas power.  The tank exploded taking the house with it.  I am sure your mother and you would have been assumed also casualties of the fire burnt.   The lack of remains could be explained by proximity to the gas tank that had exploded. You were good at hiding, and I assumed they just could not find you. She chose to be a casualty instead of waiting around to find you.  Probably figured you’d show up eventually and they could take you than. Or quite possibly not at all because chances were the fulcrum was burned in the fire and not recoverable.” 

            Liz thought about the item in her bunny, it had to be the fulcrum, and it was not burned in the fire.

            “I called a contact, and they managed to get us away from the house before the fire department or police appeared.  We were lucky that your house was in such a rural area, took awhile for someone to notice the smoke plume in the sky. We spent a week with my contact. However, once I could move I got you out of there.  I did not want the cabal to find you.  They would likely kill you just in case you had any information about what had been on the fulcrum. I got you to Sam’s. I knew I could trust him. He took you in without a second thought; despite the massive changes his life would require to watch after you. He loved you very much Lizze, and he never once thought twice about taking you in.  You were his daughter in his eyes.” 

            Liz felt the tears again, and she just listened to Red as he continued to speak.

            “I left you with him and went back to my family. I told the cabal that whatever your father had burned in the fire with him.  I told them about your mother, and said that you had also died in the fire. They congratulated me. I spent am month in a hospital near my house, and another few months recovering at home. I returned to work and everything was fine.  I did not go on any missions for awhile because of the scars needing to heal and the skin grafts that had to heal.” 

            “When was all of this?”

            “1989.” Red said hoping against all hope that she would not understand the significance of the year.

            “This is why you gave yourself up to the FBI?  To work with me as penance for my fathers death?”  Liz asked but before he could answer her cellphone was ringing.

            “It’s Ressler.”  She said both knowing she’d have to answer.

            Red moved away from her and sat on the bed. 

            Liz answered the phone, “Hello.”

            “Where are you Keen?”  Ressler asked she missed out on the staff meeting.

            “I’m sorry I have a migraine and I must have shut the alarm off.”

            “Are you ok?”

            “Not really.” Liz lied, “I do not think I can come in today.  Can you cover for me?”

            “I’ll let Cooper know.”  Ressler said, “Feel better.  If Red comes tell him to come back another day or talk to someone else for once.”

            Liz was touched by her co-workers statement, she knew Ressler was a good guy, he just did not always act that way.  “Thanks Ressler.”

            Red was just sitting on the bed, still refusing to make eye contact with Liz.

            When he did not continue the conversation, Liz asked again, “Why did you give yourself up and request to speak with only me?”

            “It was not only because of your father.”  Red said.  “I had kept track of you over the years.  Sam gave me updates, and I made sure you wanted for nothing.  Sam used to get mad at me when I would get whatever you wanted. He thought I was spoiling you, even blamed me when you had that wild streak.”  Red chuckled at the memory of his friend berating him over spoiling Lizze, “But that was not why I gave myself up, well not entirely.”

            “Why than?”

            Red knew this was the part that could be the end of their partnership, “After you went to college, moved away from Sam, and when he got ill, I approached an associate to help me keep tabs on you.  I had him send someone to keep watch over you. When it comes to you we could never be too safe, if the cabal found out who you really where, you would be in danger. So my associate found someone to watch over you.  That was all it was supposed to be, if the person needed to make contact they were to remain an associate at most.”

            “Tom.” Liz said shocked her hand reaching up to her mouth to cover the sob she felt, “You put Tom in my life.”

            “Yes.” Red said closing his eyes and holding his breath for a second waiting for her reaction.  When she said and did nothing he continued with his eyes still closed, “He was only supposed to keep an eye on you.  Not make contact.  He never was supposed to seduce your or marry you.  I made that clear it was to look and not touch.” 

            “Why?” Anger and betrayal were clear in her voice.  Even if Red was too afraid to open his eyes to look at her, to see the pain he caused her, he could very well hear it.  It hurt him to hear that pain.  She deserved the decency of him accepting the pain he caused her, so he opened his eyes and took in her pained expression.  His own eyes pleading with her to understand, to give him a chance.         

            “At the time Berlin had started to come after me.  I was not sure if whoever was the cabal or someone else entirely. If they found the connection between you and me, they could exploit it.  The operative was supposed to be extra protection in case the cabal ever figured out who you were or Berlin found you.”

            “You have stalked me most of my life.”

            “I prefer to think of myself as a guardian angel.”  When he heard Liz’s snort of anger he said, “Fine a protector that stays in the shadows.  Either way, my only goal in life was to make sure you were safe and had what you wanted.”

            “All because of my father.”  She was not sure if she wanted him to answer yes or no.  Was he simply atoning for whatever sins he committed in the past, and not actually care for her as a person.  Or did he care for her as a person and was not here out of some obligation to correcting the wrongs of his past.

            “Yes. You would never get to live a normal life, and you would always be in danger. But it became more than that.”

            “So you are only here to make yourself feel better.”

            “No.” Red said angry because how could she not see how much he actually cared for her.  Yes his interest in her started out as a way to make himself feel better for what he had done, but it quickly became much more than that. He did not want to tell her the next part of the story.  It was his story, not hers to know.  But he knew she would not stop until he told her.  Even then, she would likely realize just how much of a monster he was, and she would order him out of her life.  He would leave her, and have someone else watch over her, as he had for so many years, if that was what she wanted.

            “Why?”

            “I thought after I got you to Sam’s it was all over.  Everyone believed your mother, you, and your father died in the fire.  It was a small town fire department, and your parents and you were no one to them. So they assumed the fire started via electrical or something innocent.  But your mother knew you were alive, and she would not stop searching for you. She actually told Finch and the others that you were alive, that I had betrayed them and had taken you and the fulcrum.  She did this knowing they would track you down.”

            “But you were back at work.”

            “On desk duty, so I had little contact with Finch.  Also Finch was not a stupid man, he did not completely believe your mother.  However, the injuries I suffered were suspect.  He was biding his time to see if your mother was telling the truth, and if I would lead them to you and/or the fulcrum.  My time ran out though, when my associate I thought I could trust told them he had picked up and tended to two people, me and a little girl at the fire.”

            Red was quiet again for a few seconds.  He stood up and walked over to the window letting the ghost act out their play inside his head.  “Do you have something to drink?”

            Liz grabbed a bottle of water out of her little fridge and gave it to him. She did not push him because she could see what this was taking out of him to tell her.  Mostly she was afraid of breaking his train of thought, and in that moment he would realize he was telling her too much information. She wanted to know about her past so much that she was willing to push away the betrayal she felt right now.

            After he took a few sips, he returned to the bed and sat down on the edge, “I was in a rush to get home.  It was Christmas and I had no reason to suspect my car would run out of gas.”

            Liz had read about this in his file, about how his car had been found abandoned on a road, out of gas, and miles away from his family home.

            “I was upset with myself because I was going to ruin Christmas. No one was around, it had been snowing for days, and it was Christmas eve.  I walked miles to get home in snow up to my knees.  My back was killing me by time I got home, the grafts were all in different stages of healing.  I got home and they were not there.  Blood was everywhere, and I remember dropping to my knees weeping. There was so much blood, I knew my wife and daughter had to be dead.  No one would survive that amount of blood loss.  I was on my knees when the men walked in.  I killed the first one, I do not remember how.  I just felt a rage overtake me and by the time I was finally subdued, he was dead.  I was cuffed, a bag thrown over my head, and than they used a drug to knock me out. When I woke, I was naked, chained. My arms were chained behind my back and stretched up. My shoulders cramped from the strain put on them. I was on my knees, and as far as I could tell I was in a big medal box.”

            “Who?”

            “Finch and his friends.”  Red said, “They interrogated me for days trying to get me to tell them where you were and where the fulcrum was.  If I knew anything of the fulcrum.”  

            Liz knew that Red meant tortured, but he did not say it. 

            “Finally, when I knew I could not take anymore, I told them that you did not matter. That I had the fulcrum, and I had it somewhere that if I died it would surface.  If my associate even thought they had any part of me disappearing that it would come out in its entirety.  At the time I did not know the contents, just from their questions I had enough information to bluff.  They interrogated me for another week, but I just kept telling them the same story. So many times I almost told them the truth, but I knew they would come after you.  That you and Sam would not survive if they found you. So I kept up with the half lie. They did not believe me at first. When it was clear if they kept interrogating me, I would die.  It was something they could not risk, just incase I was telling the truth. The Cabal had them throw me in a hole. It was a small dirt hole about fifteen feet deep, and just wide enough that I could sit if I pulled my knees up to my chest.  I spent awhile down there. I was never quite sure how long I was in the shipping container or how long I spent in the hole. They would throw down molded bread and bottles of water every now and than. I thought I was going to die in that hole, but one day Finch came to me.  We made a deal, that I would go about my business and he would go about his. As long as nothing happened to me by their hands, the fulcrum would remain safely tucked away. Somehow a bit of the information that was on the fulcrum came out.  The Indianan authorities got lucky and so did a report Vineet Narian and stumbled across what is now known as the Hawala scandal.  Some Indianan politicians were bribed with millions of dollars. I never knew why the cabal was interested in India.  It just happen to be lucky for me it came out because the cabal assumed my associate leaked the information and that was why they let me out of that hole.”

            Lizze was not sure how to react to Red’s statements.  He had protected her, had been tortured, and left for dead, and yet he protected her even back then.  Instead of confronting the horrors he told her about, she decided to ask him if he had learned than about his family being alive, “What about your family?”  
            “He told me they were dead.”  Red said, “And I believed him.” 

            “When did you find out they weren’t dead?”  Liz asked.

            “I searched for them, any sign of them for awhile.  I was living on fumes most of the time.  I had contacts from my time in naval intelligence that helped me get out of the country and helped me as much as they could for awhile. But their willingness to help only would last so long.  I finally I decided to use the information I had.  I had been approached.  Promised that it would be worth my time to help out the Syrians.  If I gave them information they would help me locate the men who killed my family.”  Red did not tell Liz the price he paid for the help because there were countless lives he had ruined to try and find what happened to his family, to repay his contacts for their “help”.

            “Did they?” Liz inquired watching Red as his eyes seemed to dull with memories.

            “Yes or so we both had thought. In return I gave them the documents they wished.”

            Liz did not need to ask him what became of the men, she was sure they meant a painful end to their life. 

            “After that, I decided to use my skills to become the Concierge of Crime. It started out simple enough, and soon it was easy.  The man I was died with my family, or so I thought.”

            “When did you know they weren’t dead?”

            “I suspected after I found the mole.”  Red said, “It was something she said before I killed her. That she knew what happened to my family that night.”

            “So she told you?”

            “No. I knew I had to kill her.”

            “Why?”

            “For Luli”  Red said, “For almost getting Dembe and you killed.”

            “You choose revenge over your family?”

            “I did. I thought she would just tell me a horror story, it was not until later I realized they might actually be alive. I was not sure until Berlin went after Carla.”

            “What about your daughter?”

            “I have no idea.”  Red said, “I have tried to find her, but nothing to date.”

            “Your wife…”

            “She would not tell me anything.”

            Liz was overwhelmed with the information he had given her.  He helped kill her father, her mother was a Russian spy, he put Tom Keen in her life, he protected her throughout the years, was tortured and still did not give up her location, he had been bluffing for years to protect her, he became the concierge of crime out of necessity and the role grew on him like a method actor becoming the role he was hired to play, and just too much information.  She felt her self start to hyperventilate as she tried to process it all.

            Red noticed the change in her breathing and rushed to her side. “Lizze you need to calm down and slow your breathing.”  Red raised a hand to check her pulse in her neck, but she pushed it away with force. She used both hands to push him back away from her.  He stumbled a few steps and keep the distance between them.  “Lizze please listen to me and try to slow your breathing before you pass out.”

            It was too much, way too much information.  It was all just too much.  It was like out of a bad made for tv action movie.  She fully expected Steven Segal to be the lead actor or one of the other old time action hero’s Sam had loved to watch.  She had to calm herself, she forced her self to breath deeply and try to relax. When she got control of herself, she looked up at Red who was standing back from her clearly worried but afraid to approach her again.  It was than she noticed he was still in just his boxer shorts and the t-shirt. Despite having seen him after being kept in a dark cell for days on end, having been shot at, having been shot, blown up almost, knocked out, and almost killed, despite having seen all of that, she had never seen him this disheveled before.  It was the absurdity of him standing there, telling her entire history, in just his boxers, after he had shared her bed, just to sleep the night before, it was all of that which caused the fit of laugher.

            Red was reaching for the phone on the nightstand to call Mr. Kaplan to come treat Liz because she was clearly having a mental breakdown her maniacal laughter filling the room. 

            When he was in the middle of dialing, Liz asked him through fits of laughter, “Who are you calling?”

            Turning to look at her, Red dropped the phone back in the cradle, “I was calling Mr. Kaplan.”

            “Why?”  
            “I think you are having a breakdown.”

            “I’m fine.”   Liz said still laughing, “Ok not fine, probably far from it.  But you just told me my entire life story, and then some in your boxers and one of Tom’s shirts.” 

            Red took his appearance in and suddenly felt undressed for the occasion. He searched for his trousers and found them.  He quickly pulled them on feeling a bit better now.   The next words he said and felt himself hold his breath waiting for an answer, “If you want me to leave I will.”

            “That promise again huh.”  Liz said, “If I say it you’ll leave my life forever and never come back. You going to hire me another husband than?”

            Red growled, “I told the Major it was supposed to be a surveillance op only.”

            “Yes. I know you said that. Tom told me Berlin had hired him to marry me.  He turned on you.”

            “Yes.” Red said.  “I did not know until later.”

            “That was why you turned yourself in.”

            “I was going to wait a bit longer, but yes that was why I turned myself in a bit sooner than I had planned.”

            “So you always planned to turn yourself in?”

            “Yes.” Red said, “I was getting tired of the life.  I saw what I became, and I did not like the man.”

            “What brought that on?”

            “Madeline Pratt.”  Red said not giving her any more information. 

            “How did she?”

            “Another time.”  Red said, “I have to keep some secrets.” 

            “What is the point to the blacklist?”

            “Lizze this is one secret I cannot tell you.  You are already in danger.  If you ever tell anyone what I’ve told you today…”

            “Don’t worry.  I’m not going to go tell anyone.”  Liz said. Than it dawned on her, she had one more question about her past, “What happened to my mother?”

            “Her plan backfired when she told them you were still alive and had the fulcrum.” Red said, “They knew than that she was playing them, and they killed her.”

            “So both my parents are dead.”

            “Very much so.”  Red said.

            “Tom told me that my father was still alive.”

            “He lied to you.  I know your father was dead. I saw his body.”  Red stated still not sure where he stood with Liz now. 

            “What was your dream about last night?”  She asked, “Did it have to do with anything you told me about today?”

            “No.” Red said.  It was the first time that Liz saw him truly uncomfortable with her questions.  Usually he could side step them, or at least easily get past the question.  This one made him uncomfortable.

            “I just wonder with all of that what makes you wake up screaming at night.”

            “Sometimes it is all of that, as you said.”

            “But other times.”

            “I’m a monster Lizze.  You have said so yourself.  I was a monster long before the lesson the cabal taught me. Long before fulcrum came into my life.” Red stated his face a mask of sorrow.

            “So your nightmare was had to do with your life before the fulcrum?”  Liz asked really wanting to know.  It seemed like an important piece of the puzzle that was Red.  If she could get a few more pieces she might be able to see the picture and understand him. 

            Instead of lying to her, and telling her a piece of his past no one knew about, he decided to misdirect her while he dressed himself, “I once spent two months on a small island in the Indian Ocean, Moheli.  It was a holiday of a sorts.”  He did not mention he was recovering from a gunshot wound he had received from Donald Ressler after he tried to kill Red in Brussels.  “The island is a turtle nesting site. I would walk down to the beach each day to see if the turtles.   At nights, it was like being in the middle of a desert.  The night sky was full of stars and so clear.  No ambient light from cities to block out the stars. I found peace there. I slept soundly, I am sure Zayn, a beautiful female who was of Saudi distant, helped too.  She was not much for star gazing, but she had many other talents. But I would get lost in the night sky, and the ocean was the background noise.  I would like to go back there some day and see if I can find that peace again. It is the same feeling I get when I do something that makes you happy or you at least approve of.”

            With those last few words, Red left the hotel. Before he closed the door he looked back to her and said, “Thank you for last night.”

            Liz was too shocked in his last words to stop him. She simply stood there and watched him leave. As with life with Raymond Reddington, she had answers, but now she had more questions.  Once again, she was not sure if she actually knew who Red was, or if she would be able to ever build a proper profile of him. With these thoughts she crawled back into her bed, and lay there smelling his sent on the pillow. If not for his smell, she would have sworn all of what had occurred the past few hours had been a dream.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. Please let me know what you think.


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